THE MOM SPIRAL
PARENT THE HUMAN WAY
BEHAVIOR
IS A STRESS RESPONSE
Behavior is what you see. It comes from too much alarm or separation that you can’t see!
You have to stop wasting time and energy and hurting your child by looking only at the surface and using band-aids.
The behavior is not the problem. Even though it feels like it ☺
Behavior is not where you should focus your energy. It’s just a symptom.
Reacting to the behavior rather than meeting the need (attachment or alarm)
may give you quicker compliance and temporarily change what they're doing.
It doesn't address why the behavior is there. It's just a quick fix.
You're missing the developmental growth and emotional regulation piece entirely.
The underlying need remains and IT WILL pop up again!
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Your child isn’t the problem. Their behavior isn’t the problem.
It’s how you view and then approach it all. That’s the problem.
If you don’t know about attachment or if it’s weak or lacking
then you’re probably parenting more from a place of fear
because in essence you don’t feel safe.
Control is how we try to feel safe.
Behavior is the outward reactions of their body being in survival mode.
It’s the reflex to not feeling safe.
Behavior are the things they do. The ways their body protects them. Not who they are.​
When you make it about all these things you also end up wiring them to adapt to your reaction.
It most likely wasn't safe for you as a child so you’re essentially trying to save yours,
but you’re perpetuating the same unhealthy patterns and coping methods.
SAFETY is the basis of all we do.
Kids who feel safe are able to connect. When their body feels safe it is regulated.
They’re bodies are able to behave and THEY DO!
Behavior is communication.
So if it’s getting louder and more persistent it’s because you’re trying to fix or stop or change the symptom.
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This ALL happens in the body. Your body is talking to theirs.
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Because of our own nervous systems we tend to be in our heads (not in our bodies where we need to be)
We focus on logic, reason, words, and explanations.
We think scripts will help. Maybe the right words will make them do what we want.
If they don’t feel safe or your words are threatening it doesn’t matter what you say. They may not even hear the words.
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Your child needs the felt experience of safety to ever learn the behaviors you're trying to "teach" them.
It only happens through the body. Not through our words or actions.
It’s about wiring the safety piece so that the body can respond appropriately.
Your approach to behavior will be truly beneficial to your child's attachment, development and well-being as a whole.
​When you know what behavior truly is!
​When you understand 3 CONCEPTS...
Behavior is either a stress response, frustration or counter will.
When you know why these things happen, you can actually solve them instead of grasping for fake control in punishment or band-aids.​
You have to know frustration's role, its purpose in the emotional journey and the process of moving from mad to sad.
You have to know about mixed feelings so you get why kids aren't as capable as you think they are.
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Frustration is the root emotion we feel EVERY DAY. You need to give them this powerful ability to move through it properly.
When frustration doesn’t turn to sadness it turns into aggression. The root of aggression is frustration.
So you have to solve frustration NOT aggression.
Counter will is also natural and normal, but it doesn't feel good when it's directed at us.
Defiance, Opposition, Total resistance. It's really their body protecting them FROM US!
You need this knowledge so that you can approach it correctly otherwise you're ONLY going to get more counter will.
It's an instinct and a primal drive, not an intentional behavior.
HOW YOU REACT TODAY IS HOW THEY WILL REACT TOMORROW.
You can only truly change behavior from the root.
You have to stop working against nature and learn to support and work with it.
Otherwise you’re conditioning them away from their body and intuition.
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Our bodies are made to express. They are the vessels that hold this energy inside and behavior is the movement.
If you’re yelling, punishing, or giving in. None of this is parenting.
This is in total opposition to attachment (which is your power to parent)
This will wire their nervous system to cope.
And only create create stressful environments that will keep everyone in a chronic stress state.
LEARN HOW TO RESPOND. NOT REACT! and teach your kids the same ☺
BEHAVIORAL SPIRAL
LESSON 1
BEHAVIOR
Break down all the parts to behavior. What it really truly is. The different roots or reasons and how that shows up.
So you know what’s going on and how you can actually approach the right thing and get it resolved in a healthy, helpful way.
What is happening in their bodies and why.
What you’re reacting to. How to not wire them to adapt to your reaction.
How to approach the energy and communication that is the reaction you see.
How to get out of the mind and into the body. Use your body to help theirs. Be heard without saying anything!
What happens with continual mis-attunement and how to fix it.
2 main things our children learn when we ignore or dismiss their experience.
Mindset shifts and perspective of behavior to energy.
Why controlling the outcomes won’t work for 2 reasons.
Why you need more than surface level connection and how to get it.
The 2 main things we do and how we’re hurting our kids.
How our narratives are directing our choices with discipline.
How to wire safety so that the body can respond appropriately.
LESSON 2
NERVOUS SYSTEM STATES
Overview of nervous system states.
Description, what it can look like in your child’s behaviors.
Very important difference between compliance and cooperation.
How to approach your child if they default to this state.
How to see it as the state they’re in and not their personality or label your child and box them in.
Negative bias as protection and how this shows up.
How to find them in their stuckness and bring them back. How to be with them instead of against them.
LESSON 3
CYCLE
How kids specifically process emotions.
3 root primal emotions and how they cycle through them.
LESSON 4
DEVELOPMENTAL
Knowing this and setting appropriate expectations for your child is so important.
How to recognize and accept that our kids are only capable of so much at certain stages of life.
How to adapt for them so you don’t wire them to adapt.
The difference between a child who acts mature and a child who is given time to become mature.
Why they can be “good” for a while, but then the other adaptations of attachment loss will start showing up.
How to make space for them so that you don’t unnecessarily and unintentionally put these pressures on them
and do a lot of things in opposition to attachment.
How to achieve true independence from you and what happens if you do the opposite.
Examples of situations we think are totally normal, but are in total opposition to attachment.
How to best support them in their development. At their current age or stage.
Why the attachment always needs to be an adult and how to reorient your child after school, playdates, etc.
What happens in their bodies and how to best support these transitions.
LESSON 5
REASONS
3 reasons specifically for kids. Break down of understanding, needs and emotions.
LESSON 6
RESPONSE
The 3 ways we respond to emotion. This is how behavior plays out and you need to understand them. Were built with these innate ways, but because of cultural conditioning, we may not always see, understand or welcome them.
Behavior invitations.
LESSON 7
ADAPT
Deep into the suppression piece. How a lot of what we do conditions our kids to adapting and coping.
How kids interpret our reactions. How they form their self worth.
How we shape them if we’re not careful to be who they need to be for us.
Labels. How they make kids stuck. How to change this. What to say and do.
How to prevent them from collapsing behavior and feelings into one.
Explanation of shame and self blame. How and when it happens. What you can do to reduce or stop it from happening.
What behavior comes from it. Antidote to shame. Looking at your shame.
What happens when we judge or label our kid’s resilience in an area that isn’t their highest value.
LESSON 8
COREGULATION
What it is. What happens when they receive it.
Why kids need it to ever learn self regulation.
How to provide connection to your child through your body. Elements to body language.
The difference between an invitation and a request.
LESSON 9
CRYING
The truth about crying, the differences, the importance for regulation and healing.
The principle and objective of the body through crying.
Why it’s so hard for us to handle. How we view and judge tears.
How to invite and celebrate it. To heal yourself and wire your kid right. You can break the cycle and create full,
healthy emotional regulation for your bodies.
How to allow it so you can give them this lifelong tool that empowers them.
Mindset shifts for common thoughts. Practical ways to approach crying.
Distinction between aggressive behavior and the release of aggression.
Minor to release major concept.
The tantrum trap. Whining. Fake crying.
How to talk to kids about crying and how to make it safe and normal.
2 main reactions. Your story and how that influences your reaction.
LESSON 10
FRUSTRATION
The most important developmental piece we don’t know about. Mixed feelings.
Really understanding and looking at the elements of frustration, so you know how it works, how it’s supposed to move,
and then you can support your child in the process. How to move from mad to sad.
Difference between calm and quiet.
The goal of frustration and how to best move it.
How to know it and name it correctly and the importance of doing this.
The end result, experience and journey of frustration.
What happens when they don’t feel their sadness. How they get stuck in immaturity.
Your job and 3 options every time. How to cultivate tolerance for everyone.
The space of not yet. How to handle the learning spaces. Learning, not a sign of failure.
Examples, how to model, things to say and do to support them and explain the concepts.
Build their skills for coping with frustration rather than building skills for finding success.
practical ways to essentially give them experiences of sitting with the emotion
How to approach conditioning, and core beliefs about self.
How they can be happy even when they don’t get what they want.
Empower them to choose behaviors that serve them. Lots of practices to try!
LESSON 11
AGGRESSION
The root of aggression. Why it happens. What you have to solve.
The wrong way to approach aggression. (what we all do) Healthy ways to respond.
The 3 ways to move the energy and release aggression.
Timeline for aggression as far as development.
What they need most from you and how to give it.
Differentiate urge from action. Safe ways to redirect their energy.
Ask the right questions. Examples. Strategy. Play ideas. Answers to tricky parts.
How to repair. How to view it so you can help them through it.
Self directed aggression.
Reflection. Mantras. Outside the moment.
LESSON 12
STUCK
What I mean when I say your child is stuck. What it looks like. Main things that lead to it.
Discuss labels and how they most likely just need help out of chronic stuck states.
Tricky places to think about and where we don’t know or have control.
LESSON 13
TEARS
How to move from mad to sad.
The get in, get out strategy.
How to approach sensitive kids without making it worse.
Be ready for and what to do with pushback.
How to hold limits in a healthy productive way.
What to do when it feels nothing satiates them.
DEFENSE
LESSON 14
Deeper into defense. What it can look like in terms of the nervous system state or what’s happening or what’s being wired for your child. How they can end up adapting or coping to being stuck in this defense state.
How we prevent them from activating their natural healing mechanisms.
Ideas to help soften their defenses, bring them back into their bodies, and open access to the sadness.
Understand suppression and learned suppression. Do and don’t do.
Coping mechanisms in action. Highlight the areas it’s harder to see as they get older.
Antidote to suppression and supporting your kids in rewiring what they currently do.
When they attack with words. What it's real communication is.
Play instead of power struggles.
DISCIPLINE
LESSON 15
Fundamental mindset shift through the nervous system and attachment lens.
What we think and have experienced and how we need to approach it so we wire our kids in the healthiest way.
What you’re teaching with behavior modification.
How to preserve your relationship, connection and attachment and you want to protect the developmental process.
You can’t mimic self control. What to do instead of “teaching lessons”
Your best response to unwanted behavior.
Rewards are a backwards approach to punishment. What’s happening when you use them.
Truth about timeouts and threats and consequences. Depth to discipline. Conditioning blind obedience.
How to resolve or reclaim what you’ve done in the past. Strengthen attachment.
CONNECT
LESSON 16
Connect before direct. Agreement. Direct line to the power of attachment. The greeting ritual.
PLAY
LESSON 17
Your most powerful tool. How to use it. How, when and where to infuse play.
Play is the antidote to counterwill. Play is the only way to get around their walls.
How to use an interrupt + opposites + rehearsal. Ideas, examples and inspiration.
All about memory + associations.
REPAIR
LESSON 18
Wire the nervous system in a healthy way with resilience. Without it you wire core beliefs you don’t want your child to have.
Why it’s the most important thing to do for attachment.
The body aspect to it and what wires in the nervous system. What they make it mean or internalize.
Their core belief and experience of relationship.
Safety of mistakes + ruptures. Apologizing + Accountability. Not about blame or fault.
Coherent and accurate narrative.
How to model, explain and show your kids this process. Examples, ideas, insight of the full journey of rupture + repair.
Just because you say you love them, doesn’t mean they feel loved by you.
Challenges to effective repairs.
RESPOND
LESSON 19
Strength of attachment is key. How to hold your alpha role.
Understanding neediness and emotional release. Energy and needs.
CONSENT
LESSON 20
Autonomy and intuition and personal boundaries. Empower your kids!
Engage with and enforce the idea of body sovereignty
Give them the words and the ability to say them.
How we can easily and unintentionally wire this whole idea wrong.
Build deep self trust.
How to validate their experience even if you don’t understand.
Consent is such a critical piece to the foundation and connection to the body.
RECAPS
LESSON 21
A recap is your opportunity to use storytelling to recall an earlier situation to bring in a specific lesson or encourage a better approach.
Learn how you can do better and show up how they might need you to better.
Important pieces to effective recaps.
OTHER WAYS
LESSON 22
Ways we tend to deal with behavior to see how they’re not as effective.
Stopping and fixing and distracting, anything that’s pulling our kids away from their bodies and their emotions.
Sympathizing. Advising. Consoling. Quick judgments. Positive reinforcement. Questioning.
REFLECT
LESSON 23
How to look at your triggers around behavior.
WHAT TO DO
LESSON 24
The strategy. Inside + Outside the moment.
Interrupt. Curious. Validate. Expression. Connected Response. Choice. Body’s communication. Safety. Release.
Awareness. Give concepts and understanding to our kids. Empower. Normalize.
Communication. Observe. Describe. Signals. Limits. Safe space. Empathy. Reflect.
True Play. Movement. Touch. Routine. Reduce. Remove. Support. Boundaries.
Self Talk. Judgment. Blame. Shame. Places you might be wiring them to adapt.
STRONG WILLED
LESSON 25
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT IF YOU HAVE ONE OF THESE KIDS!
Strong willed kids have a higher need for personal autonomy than they do to belong, you have to parent them differently!
And if you're not...they're going to be wired in unhealthy ways. Coping + adapting.
Explanation of autonomy and belonging needs. What doesn't work for them. Incongruence.
How to get around their defense. Keep them down. How to meet their autonomy needs.
THE FOLLOWING LESSONS GO INTO EACH BEHAVIOR THROUGH THE NERVOUS SYSTEM LENS + ATTACHMENT
How to see them this way, approach and handle them so you don't wire them to adapt. Effective, long term, healthy treatments ☺
COMMON
LESSON 28
Hyperactivity. Patience. Ignoring, hiding, anything that feels like shut down or shutting you out.
NOT LISTENING
LESSON 25
LYING
LESSON 26
RELENTLESS REQUESTS
LESSON 27
RUDENESS
LESSON 28
RUNNING AWAY
LESSON 25
TANTRUMS
LESSON 26
WHINING
LESSON 27
SUPPLEMENTAL
Words Matter. Kids Reasons. Executive Functioning Skills
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