THE MOM SPIRAL
PARENT THE HUMAN WAY
BEHAVIOR
IS A STRESS RESPONSE
Behavior is what you see. It comes from too much alarm or separation that you can’t see!
You have to stop wasting time and energy and hurting your child by looking only at the surface and using band-aids.
The behavior is not the problem. Even though it feels like it!
Behavior is not where you should focus your energy. It’s just a symptom.
Reacting to the behavior rather than meeting the need (attachment or alarm)
may give you quicker compliance and temporarily change what they're doing.
It doesn't address why the behavior is there. It's just a quick fix.
You're missing the developmental growth and emotional regulation piece entirely.
The underlying need remains and IT WILL pop up again!
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Your child isn’t the problem. Their behavior isn’t the problem.
It’s how you view and then approach it all. That’s the problem.
If you don’t know about attachment or if it’s weak or lacking
then you’re probably parenting more from a place of fear
because in essence you don’t feel safe.
Control is how we try to feel safe.
Behavior is the outward reactions of their body being in survival mode.
It’s the reflex to not feeling safe.
Behavior are the things they do. The ways their body protects them. Not who they are.​
When you make it about all these things you also end up wiring them to adapt to your reaction.
It most likely wasn't safe for you as a child so you’re essentially trying to save yours,
but you’re perpetuating the same unhealthy patterns and coping methods.
SAFETY is the basis of all we do.
Kids who feel safe are able to connect. When their body feels safe it is regulated.
They’re bodies are able to behave and THEY DO!
Behavior is communication.
So if it’s getting louder and more persistent it’s because you’re trying to fix or stop or change the symptom.
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This ALL happens in the body. Your body is talking to theirs.
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Because of our own nervous systems we tend to be in our heads (not in our bodies where we need to be)
We focus on logic, reason, words, and explanations.
We think scripts will help. Maybe the right words will make them do what we want.
If they don’t feel safe or your words are threatening it doesn’t matter what you say. They may not even hear the words.
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Your child needs the felt experience of safety to ever learn the behaviors you're trying to "teach" them.
It only happens through the body. Not through our words or actions.
It’s about wiring the safety piece so that the body can respond appropriately.
Your approach to behavior will be truly beneficial to your child's attachment, development and well-being as a whole.
​When you know what behavior truly is!
​When you understand 3 CONCEPTS...
Behavior is either a stress response, frustration or counter will.
When you know why these things happen, you can actually solve them instead of grasping for fake control in punishment or band-aids.​
You have to know frustration's role, its purpose in the emotional journey and the process of moving from mad to sad.
You have to know about mixed feelings so you get why kids aren't as capable as you think they are.
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Frustration is the root emotion we feel EVERY DAY. You need to give them this powerful ability to move through it properly.
When frustration doesn’t turn to sadness it turns into aggression. The root of aggression is frustration.
So you have to solve frustration NOT aggression.
Counter will is also natural and normal, but it doesn't feel good when it's directed at us.
Defiance, Opposition, Total resistance. It's really their body protecting them FROM US!
You need this knowledge so that you can approach it correctly otherwise you're ONLY going to get more counter will.
It's an instinct and a primal drive, not an intentional behavior.
HOW YOU REACT TODAY IS HOW THEY WILL REACT TOMORROW.
You can only truly change behavior from the root.
You have to stop working against nature and learn to support and work with it.
Otherwise you’re conditioning them away from their body and intuition.
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Our bodies are made to express. They are the vessels that hold this energy inside and behavior is the movement.
If you’re yelling, punishing, or giving in. None of this is parenting.
This is in total opposition to attachment (which is your power to parent)
This will wire their nervous system to cope.
And only create create stressful environments that will keep everyone in a chronic stress state.
LEARN HOW TO RESPOND. NOT REACT! and teach your kids the same ☺
This Spiral covers school, daycare, other attachments, and bedtime.
The basics of any transition or separation and the best practices to always keep attachment strong and their bodies
feeling as safe as possible which is the ultimate goal and what’s needed to have smooth and healthy separation.
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This Spiral was created for the hard places that we tend to have to force and follow through with.
This will give you the best way to support everyone in the process with attachment and the nervous system as the main focus.
SEPARATIONAL SPIRAL
LESSON 1
BASICS
Concepts of attachment and how separation relates.
Best practices for any transition or separation.
How to keep attachment strong and their bodies feeling as safe as possible.
What to do when alarm happens just from anticipation. ​
Foundational concepts for your kids! Empowering them to know and understand their bodies. Normalize alarm.
The body is the truth teller. The mind is the story teller.
Alarm can come from lack of information, insufficient information or misconceptions.
How to react when they express a fear or what’s essentially alarm.
The concept of true dependence on your first for them to truly be independent without you.
Examples of common situations society pushes us into or think are "normal" but are in total opposition to attachment and development.
What to do to best support them and strengthen attachment and ways to shift your perspective in these places.
How to make them feel safe in any transition.
LESSON 2
SEPARATION
When our kids aren't attached to an adult they attach to their peers (what this means for development, maturity and safety!)
and how this is greatly connected to behavior.
The concept of a slow start and ideas to implement it.
The groundwork and how to create a strong foundation for attachment.
Things to do during one on one connection with new attachment.
The concept of the rainbow and how this holds attachment while you're apart.
How to handle when they have emotions in an empowering way for both of you.
The concept of matchmaking, the important things to do with the new attachment and ideas for them to do.
Signs of defensive detachment, which to you looks like playing when you come like they're just having fun, it's a red flag!
How to tell the difference between alarm and exhaustion.
LESSON 3
TRANSITION
All the ways to help them feel safe? Foundational concepts and ideas. Adding all the layers of attachment.
All the little places you're missing for connection because you're not looking through the attachment lens.
How to use the Mirroring strategy. Play ideas.
Using the rainbow for physical or emotional separation.
Repair for any energetic disconnection or separation (impactful example to share with teachers).
Separation rhythms and rituals to strengthen the core sense of safety.
LESSON 3
COMPETING ATTACHMENTS
Your child can only have one true attachment and it needs to be you. How to keep and strengthen this.
How dangerous peers are as attachments, how easily they pull our kids away from us and how to prevent it.
The huge misconception this puts on our teenagers. It's not understood and it's where we loose our kids.
Divorce situations.
LESSON 4
COUNTERWILL
The most misunderstood and misinterpreted dynamic of the parent child relationship.
The explanation of its importance and natural purpose and how to not mess with that.
How to approach it in the right way and not take it as defiance or noncompliance.
LESSON 5
SHYNESS
Very misunderstood concept. When you see shyness through the lens of attachment, it makes perfect sense.
What to do and not do to honor their body. How to avoid labeling or giving them a complex.
LESSON 6
FEAR
Play can help with fears so much, but you have to know the sweet spot.
The pendulation process. How to support them in finding their edge. How to use the edge but respect their limits.
LESSON 7
BEDTIME
Understand the mind's role and how to use the body as a guide so you don't waste your time on all the excuses they give you!
How to know when they are at their edge and what to do there to move the process.
All the checkpoints before you get to bedtime and how to approach them best.
All the attachment and connection pieces to have in place so bedtime is easy and quick for everyone.
Sleep struggles are ultimately separation struggles and how to approach that rather than what you're probably doing.
3 main things needed for sleep.
Create a supportive bedtime routine.
All the hidden places to check that tend to connect to nervous system sensitivities.
The best ways for their body to move energy at bedtime.
Nightmares or night terrors.
LESSON 8
COLLECT
All the ways to connect, collect and engage attachment instincts after separation. How to orient them back to you.​
LESSON 9
PREPARE
What to look at to reduce, release or take responsibility for the alarm.
How to strengthen attachment before. Slow start schedule. Different ways to strengthen connection with new attachment.
Ways to prepare and things to do together for the time they'll be away from you.
LESSON 10
PROCESS
The actual separation. All the ways to support and things to do when it's hard and doesn't go as planned.
Step by step explanation. The Rainbow concept.
LESSON 11
STUCK
How this specifically shows up in separation and how to approach it. Places to look at to see how separation might be affecting them.
The easiest way to tell when you pick them up or reconnect.
Tricky places to think about and where we don’t know or have control.
SOMATIC PRACTICE
The foundation you want to have around the emotion they feel when separation comes up and that starts with tracking the feeling.
PLAYBOOK
All the ideas to create a strong attachment.
SCRIPTS
Age friendly scripts to explain the concepts of their body, nervous system, attachment and separation.
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